How to Speak Without Blaming

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

Dwight Goldwinde, http://www.GoldWinde.com

Most of us recognize the damage that we do
to others,
to ourselves,
and to our relationships
when we speak in a way
that makes others feel threatened or blamed.

Yet, in the moment,
when we feel threatened or blamed,
when we feel hurt or angry,
when we feel irritable or resentful,
or when we want to feel in control,
the language of blame
seems to jump naturally from our lips,
often with no realization
that the other person might feel blamed
by what we are saying and how we are being.

Although words are not everything,
the most powerful step
in shifting a relationship
from defensiveness and blame
to good will and partnership
is knowing how to speak
good will and partnership
through the words we choose.

If you are feeling defensive,
if you are feeling irritable,
if you are feeling argumentative,
if you are feeling blamed,
if you are feeling resentment,
these are warning signals
that you must think first
and craft your response carefully
with an intent of good will and partnership,
rather than defensiveness and blame.

It is a proactive art, however,
to speak with good will and partnership
because much of our cultural training
has focused on defensiveness and blame.

When you are about to speak,
ask yourself these questions,

"Am I choosing words and speaking in a way
that expresses good will and partnership?"

"Are the words I'm about to speak
and the way I intend to speak them
likely to stimulate a feeling
of defensiveness or blame in my partner?"

Let's look at some examples
of what your conversation partner might say
(that could stimulate defensiveness in you)
and how you might respond.

Remember that your body language
and your voice image
(tonality, timbre, inflection, emphasis, etc.)
must be congruent with and supportive of
the content of your words
in order for your speech to create
the results you want.

Example #1
"Why did you spend that money on clothes?"
Your automatic response is one of defensiveness.
Yet, with an intention of good will and partnership,
you might craft your response as:

"You seem upset with me
for buying clothes with the money.
"I feel automatically frightened
and automatically defensive
with the thought of you being upset with me
for spending money on clothes.
"I would like to understand
more fully what your actual thoughts and feelings are
and I'd like for you to understand mine.
"Would you share more deeply and completely with me
exactly what your fears and concerns are, if any,
about my spending the money on clothes?"

Example #2
Your coworker, Jill, seems distant from you.
You have no idea why she may be upset with you,
if, indeed, she is.
Your automatic defensive tendency
is to withdraw from her and to blame her
for her behavior.
Yet, with an intention of good will and partnership,
you might craft your response as:

"Jill, I need some help and advice with something.
Do you have a few minutes?
"I really value our relationship together in the office.
But it seems that I may have done or said something
that has caused you to be upset with me
and to feel more distant from me.
"I could just be imagining things; I sometimes do.
But I need your help in knowing what I might
have done wrong and how to fix it.
"Could you share your thoughts and feelings with me
about what I am saying?"

Jill may give you some specific feedback
which you can then respond to in a partnership way.
More likely, she may say,
"No, nothing is wrong,"
and you will notice that her behavior towards you
becomes more friendly afterwards.

Example #3
"You never remember my birthday!"
Your automatic response is one of defensiveness.
Yet, with an intention of good will and partnership,
you might craft your response as:

"I sure messed up this time.
And it wasn't the first time, was it?
"I think I can understand
how hurt and angry you must feel towards me.
"And I'm scared.
I'm scared of you blaming me.
I'm scared of you withdrawing from me.
"I'm not even sure about
how we can talk about this together
so that we can both feel closer and more loved
after we finish talking.
Sometimes, it seems that our talking
just makes things worse.
"Can you share your thoughts and feelings
about our situation and about what I am saying?
I really need your help on this."

Example #4
"You are such a cruel and insensitive person!
You #!*#!
I hate you!"
Your automatic response
is one of fear, hurt, anger, and defensiveness.
Yet, with an intention of good will and partnership,
you might craft your response as:

"Although it scares me to be around you right now,
I would really like to understand
your thoughts and feelings on a deeper level.
"But I have a problem.
While I want
to understand your thoughts and feelings,
at the same time,
I am not willing to remain in your presence
if you continue to use abusive words with me.
"I can't do this without your help.
Are you open to telling me more
about your thoughts and feelings
without using abusive words,
or shall I leave the room for now?
"How do you feel? Am I making any sense?"

Notice how, in each example,
your response is one
that assumes and invites partnership
to solve the problem together,
a problem which is "out there,"
not a problem which is
your problem or their problem.

Even in the last example,
where a clear boundary was set,
the boundary was set inside the invitation
for understanding and partnership.

To act out our defensiveness,
to blame in response to blame,
to defend or attach in response to fear
is often our natural and automatic response.
Yet it rarely gives us the relationships we want.

To embrace our fear
and use our intention and creativity,
to craft our response
with good will, partnership and vulnerability
is a choice of courage,
a choice that has a strong probability
of giving us the relationships we want.

Honor yourself for your courage,
before and afterwards,
each time you choose to speak in partnership.

********************************************

Burke, if you've enjoyed
the gift of "SomeOne Said" from Dwight,
you might want to consider accepting
another gift from him:
an hour-long, telephone,
life-coaching session.

To get the details,
go to www.GoldWinde.com,
then click on "Life Coaching,"
then click on
"How to accept
the gift of
a coaching session with Dwight."

If you've enjoyed or gotten value
from what you've just read,
why not take LESS THAN A MINUTE
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so that they might receive
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It's SO EASY to give SO MUCH.

Copyright 2002 Dwight GoldWinde

"Courage may be dangerous.
But it's the safest thing we've got." -DG

Burke, be on the lookout for Dwight's forthcoming book
"Courage: THE Choice that makes THE Difference,"
due for release in the Fall of 2002.

For selections authored by Dwight GoldWinde,
permission is granted for sharing or re-distribution,
provided that credit and copyright notice
are retained in such duplication
(including this notice).

"SomeOne Said" created and contributed by Dwight GoldWinde,
now living in Shanghai, China.

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